arewemenoramidevo's posts - French uPOST

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

I could look back on the past eight months as a murky period spent spinning my wheels. Much is the same with my life; single and lonely, working at a frustrating job that destroys my health and grinds me down to dead-tired almost every day. I’m still not talking to my sister and my parents don’t know why. I suppose…

Meeting on the train

eye contact

These days

when it seems everyone within five feet is healthier, better dressed, and more secure than I will ever be

I'm crossing you in style, someday

Sunday night; I came up with a dumb idea that required rubber cement/spray adhesive. My last canisters of both having sealed themselves in some sort of protest against craft-related productivity, I ended up walking to CVS to buy some more. And I noticed my walking.

Dr. Ben Carson Blames Ferguson Events on Women's Liberation, Me Generation

...I wish I had a better base of knowledge to write about the interview clip I heard. But it made me go, "Seriously?"

Destroying yourself in This Incredibly Easy Step!

During the time that my last long-term relationship was crumbling under a mountain of inter-family bickering and a lack of communication, I was still trying to rescue things and please everyone that I could. Since this was my longest relationship to date and, when it was good, the safest and most secure I had felt in…

If it doesn't come naturally, leave it

The thing is, right now the only things that come naturally to me are insulting myself, hating myself, and keeping shut out from the outside world as much as possible. It feels like the only place where I belong...

Juiced

10-hour days, the reemergence of winter and the 10 pounds I gained from the boots/extra layers for working outside. I've barely had time to think of myself, or any sort of life outside work, probably becaus I'm too exhausted for it.

Sleeping the demons away

Spent the weekend sleeping on a couch. When I wasn't sleeping, I was drowning out the echo chamber of my mind with online videos and hoping that the tickle in the back of my throat wasn't about to develop into a full-blown cold or flu.

Upsetting Myself

Yes, I know I'm still working on it. I'm identifying my problems and peeling back many layers and years of repression and denial about how I view the world and myself. And saying out loud, "No, I don't like myself" and "It feels easier to blame myself than to blame others" is something I never thought I would do.

I don't know if I'm doing this right

Assignment for this week: what does a healthy relationship with myself look like? What goes into that? Perhaps buying groceries for the first time in two or three weeks. Ugh. Maybe looking in the mirror and feeling less disgust than pride. Woof. Or possibly not taking it personally when a conversation at a party peters…

Muddle

So, there's been a flurry of activity.

So, visit 6 is where I have to start thinking about goals. What do I want? What needs to change? When everything is a miasma of emotional blubbering, heavy-headed-ness and recurring disgusting dreams about trauma, goals seem like a distraction from the plan of, "I want to be able to hold my head in a position above my…

Week Four...or Five?

I thought I read somewhere about depression causing problems with short-term memory. I do know that when I have to press myself into remembering the past week and get nothing but grey smoke, it feels like a cause for concern.

Week Two: Frozen

I didn't have much time to reflect on my first voluntary therapy session last week, since I went straight from it to four straight 15-hour days of work and personal life disasters. When I was able to sleep peacefully in my own bed again and not feel like a zombie, there were two things that I am now able to rescue…

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