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The Warriors Have Been Infected By Houston's Brain Worms And It's Ruining The West Finals The Warriors Have Been Infected By Houston's Brain Worms And It's Ruining The West Finals

Okay, yes, goddammit yes, I was wrong, the Houston Rockets, who tied the Western Conference Finals at two games apiece last night in Oakland, have a chance to win the series. A frighteningly strong one, if like me you break out in hives at the prospect of a Larry O’Brien trophy consecrating into canonical Championship…

God Help Me, I'm Rooting For The Warriors Now God Help Me, I'm Rooting For The Warriors Now

The bleak doom of all good things in this terrible psycho-capitalist hell-society we have made is to be processed and metabolized into an inert clot of blind, gray, mindless nano-goo by precisely the kind of antiseptic, hyper-rational, ahuman actuarial math on display here:

The Warriors Are Better Than The Rockets The Warriors Are Better Than The Rockets

Look. If we are being honest with each other, here, let’s acknowledge what we all know: The Rockets are 100 percent dead in this series, have virtually no chance whatsoever even to push it to a seventh game, and could spend Game 2 jump-kicking each other in the face for all the good they can do by even trying to make…

Let The Cool Players Try To Trash Each Other Let The Cool Players Try To Trash Each Other

Here is a thing that happens way too often in the NBA: Two teams with stars at the same position face each other and, instead of the cool stars checking each other, so that they are competing directly at both ends of the floor, the coaches assign various other designated defenders to do the job of getting crossed-over…

The Rockets Better Not Fuck This Up The Rockets Better Not Fuck This Up

The Houston Rockets and Golden State Warriors wrapped up their five-game eliminations of, respectively, the Utah Jazz and New Orleans Pelicans last night. Like the series they ended, neither game was particularly closely contested; both losing teams did just enough to preserve their dignity and no more. That’s more…

You Check Ben Simmons The Same Way You Defend A Campsite You Check Ben Simmons The Same Way You Defend A Campsite

When I look at Philadelphia 76ers guard Ben Simmons, I see a very tall and extremely talented young basketball player with a resting dick face and no jump shot. When Boston Celtics coach Brad Stevens looks at him, he sees a curious foraging bear. For this reason, he is a basketball coaching genius.

Never Get Fooled By The Raptors Again Never Get Fooled By The Raptors Again

Well, that settles that.

Get Rid Of Video Review Get Rid Of Video Review

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Drew’s gone! We have guest hosts. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking about video review in sports, ethics in takeout dining, and more.

You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers

When I write that CNN politics writer Chris Cillizza is the rankest assbrain in the Western Hemisphere, I am not being nice to him. When I write that God clowned Chris Cillizza before he was born by making him Chris Cillizza instead of a shit-eating maggot, I am being unkind. When I say that Chris Cillizza himself is…

A Cool Thing Jayson Tatum Does A Lot A Cool Thing Jayson Tatum Does A Lot

One of the best ways for a basketball scorer to shake free from a committed defense is to catch the ball while on the move, instead of from a stationary position, so that his individual defender and the broader opposing defense don’t have time to get between him and a good look at the basket.

The Rockets Fine-Tuned Their Equation And Became Invincible  The Rockets Fine-Tuned Their Equation And Became Invincible 

The Houston Rockets led by one point, 50-49, at the end of the first half last night in Minnesota. So it’s not like they were in a crisis situation. But if a lead can be said to be an ugly and bad one, this qualified.

My Enemies In Nature, Ranked My Enemies In Nature, Ranked

It’s more or less springlike now, pending yet another cruel and absurd outbreak of The Eternal Winter of 2017-18. Here in my absurd forest dwelling, spring means that we are emerging, pallid and blinking, to plant new trees and azaleas, to try with ludicrous and doomed vanity to restore some mowable grass to the gross…

Dead Letters: "Now Start Your Down Fall" Dead Letters: "Now Start Your Down Fall"

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors and writers are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Seriously, What The Hell Are The Minnesota Timberwolves Doing? Seriously, What The Hell Are The Minnesota Timberwolves Doing?

In Game 1 of the Rockets-Timberwolves series, the eighth-seeded Wolves lost in no small part because they inexplicably froze their two best players, Jimmy Butler and Karl-Anthony Towns, out of the offense. Game 2 was last night, and the Rockets won, 102-82. Here are some stats from that, courtesy of Basketball…

Larry Nance Jr. Spikes Trevor Booker's Weak Shot Attempt Directly Into Hell

The Pacers are grinding their way back from Playoff LeBron’s personal game-opening 16-1 run, with no help from this sorry Antawn Jamison-ass quasi-hook flip shot by Indiana’s Trevor Booker, which Larry Nance Jr., acting as the living incarnation of righteous justice, pounded into the parquet so hard a dolphin on the…

The Raptors Put The Wizards In The Trash, Where They Belong The Raptors Put The Wizards In The Trash, Where They Belong

The competitive part of last night’s Game 2 between the Toronto Raptors and Washington Wizards was over, long over, by the time some combination of shame and embarrassment sparked a smidgen of detectable pride or competitive intensity in any Washington player. The result was a laughably misleading 11-point margin of…

Nothing Matters, But LaMarcus Aldridge Was Awesome Last Night Nothing Matters, But LaMarcus Aldridge Was Awesome Last Night

They have to say they believe they can win, of course. More than that, they have to actually believe that it’s at least possible, or they would not be the sorts of people capable of claiming the West’s seventh playoff seed with a roster that looks like somebody sat on a keyboard. None of the rest of us are bound by…

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